I’m a Devil Hag and Proud of it

Are you a woman? Caucasian or Caucasian with benefits? Do you live in Hong Kong? Then you may have referred to yourself at some point as “Gwailou”. Guess what, you’re not. Only men can be gwai lou. You are, in fact, a gwai po. That’s right, not a devil geezer but a devil hag.

Above please behold a typical gwai po 鬼婆 whiling the days away in an opulent chair! OK, I admit I don’t much like to be called gwai po, but the Hong Kong Chinese insist it’s “only for fun” and I suppose I should be thankful for every second this place isn’t politically correct.

鬼佬 – gwai lou (devil geezer/white guy)
香港人 – Heung Gong yan (Hong Kong people)
西人 – Sai yan (westerner)

飲茶 The Civilised Lunch

I’ve just travelled 25 minutes there and 25 back just to eat. What, didn’t I have perfectly good ingredients for Sichuan food in my fridge? you ask. Yes, of course. But no matter how good →

Train! 火車！

One of the most wonderful of many wonderful things about mainland China is the train. Last weekend we went to Guangzhou for some r and r and it was good, but the best thing was →

Its Name Was Amber, It Was A Vomit…

Do you see that lake? That was a green and throbbing grassland only yesterday. Surely this must be an amber rainstorm? 黃色暴雨 (wong sek bou yu – yellow colour violent rain)(That’s right! The surname Wong →

Transformation Continues on All Levels 2

Is Cantonese dying? Last weekend’s visit to Guangzhou was quite depressing in many ways. It’s nothing new that people from all over China migrate to Guangdong province, especially Shenzhen and Guangzhou, to make something of →

Transformation Continues On All Levels 1

Guangzhou used to be my favourite city with its leafy streets, car-less alleys and languidly flowing river whose name, Pearl, also gave itself to an excellent beer, 珠江啤酒 (jyu gong beh jau – Pearl River →

Good Weather Likely

A lovely day has begun in the lovely city of Guangzhou and after yesterday’s torrential rain people are pouring out in the streets again. Just outside the hotel I saw this guy relaxing with a →

Owner Of A Broken Face

I’ve finally finished the last chapter (or recipe) in my Sichuan cookery book, a book that isn’t really a book, for can it be a book when it’s only online? If not, what should it →

Donner Und Blitzen Kebab

Drowning in weather! I got up at 5 having slept very little due to the absolutely wild weather that shook my house all night. Apparently the lightning had struck Lantau Island 3,000 times out of →

Copy The Little Children

In yesterday’s article I advised people who are trying to learn Cantonese to become like a child again. Those little buggers know how to pick up languages all right! First they say “da da da, →

Communi-Play-Tion

It’s no secret that I love the motherland, China, over all other lands, and not only because of Mons 雪花(Suet Fa – Snow Flower) beer and Sichuan food either. I’ve had more fun there than →

Another Company Caves

So it’s the private companies that will be driving the communist hieroglyph takeover? Last week it was Hang Seng bank, now it’s HSBC itself. HSBC – isn’t that a British bank?

A few years ago it was that very bank which staged a ‘speak Mandarin campaign’. There she was, an HSBC employee standing in the doorway of little Mui Wo branch of that giant bank, showing the way to the three windows of the 300 square feet room, a big Speak Mandarin Month badge on her lapel, squeaking Ni Hao Ma! to all the locals of Mui Wo including me.

I asked her then as I wonder now: What the hell is HSBC doing trying to force Hong Kong people to speak communist speech-language Mandarin?

Then this afternoon, there it was in the passage between Tsim Sha Tsui East and TST MTR station: A massive sign in those crippled and ugly squiggles.

I still haven’t heard back from Hang Seng Bank about my question as to why they discriminate against Hong Kong people in their advertising, apart from an email two weeks after I wrote to them (Hang Seng Bank promises an answer to emails within 48 hours) saying: We’ve read your email! Thank you for your continuous support!

Now I will have to write to HSBC too. I encourage you to do the same. Rid this ugly pest from our city’s common space.

(Note that the advert is about the world. When did ‘the world’ become ‘Mainland China’?)

Only Whitey Can Be Racist

I have in my hand (and when I say hand I mean computer screen) an extraordinary document entitled “Tool: Recognizing Microaggressions and the Messages They Send”. Reading through the list, I’m damned glad to be →

Beautiful Serendipity

I spent the weekend in Shenzhen and it was lovely. As I walked around in the sunshine Sunday morning I suddenly realised why I’ve been so unhappy recently. Well, ISIS, WWIII is coming, all that; →

It’s All About Face

Here is one of my students – let’s call him X-tor. Like so many he succumbed to “MOvember,” the terrible annual male uglification-fest where guys deliberately mutilate their faces to get people to give them →

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Life is funny eh? You think you know something or at least are fairly familiar with something, and then something happens that sends your whole world view tumbling to the ground. Me, I thought I →

Hound Hoping for Home

Here is a thoroughly kind, cheerful and people-loving dog called Rascal, 3. The name is misleading because he’s not alpha or naughty. He’s also not fearful. I’ve known him ever since his owner adopted him →

SUNDAY: Semi-Dignified Farewell

Yesterday I dragged myself up Lantau Peak to scatter the ashes of a dear friend who died in April. It really made me admire even more those brave souls who participated in the Moontrekker thing →

I Spake Too Soon About Market

Ha ha! I laughed bitterly yesterday when I had to go to FUSION to buy some toilet paper or whatever. I remember when the melody in the story above irritated me. And not only me, →

New Podcast For Beginners! CantoNews 2

Woo-hoooo! Everybody everywhere! Now you can learn Cantonese absolutely free with the help of Lantau people. Although the Lantau podcasts CantoNews are strictly for and by Lantau people – what the hell, anyone can listen! →

What Are The Chances?

Yesterday I got a new student and bugger me if he wasn’t … Mexican! I mean, what are the chances? Before I went to Mexico, I had only ever met three Mexicans: Hector, a guy →

Burglary Warning To Lantau People (and Everybody)

So on Saturday I hosted a Sichuan dinner for twelve people, three of whom called and said they were lost. I had to rush out in mid-stuffing of dumplings to fetch them. (It was the →