Language!

Forget about Chinglish/Manglish; at least it’s funny. The worst English in the world has got to be corporate-speak: Corpselish. There’s a company that’s been spamming me for about a year now: CHaINA LIVE.

My first reply to them was naturally “Who are you and why are you spamming me?” which resulted in them, four ignored spams down the line, taking the trouble to find out my name, and address me as Dear Cecilie in their next spam, not just “Dear, “. But really, when someone spams me, why the hell is it up to me to painstakingly go through the rigmarole of scrolling down, finding ‘unsubscribe’ if there is one, and clicking through a forest of pages shouting “Wait! Don’t go yet!” and “Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?” No, because I didn’t fcuking subscribe, did I?

It’s much more satisfying to reply to their email and get their grovelling apology. (Yes, it happens sometimes.) They are the ones who should spend the time taking me off their spamlist where I shouldn’t have been in the first place. But CHaINa is made of sterner stuff. Again and again the send me stuff – most of which unintelligible.

Last week there they were again, with a gushing invitation to … I’m not sure what.

“As in previous years, CHaINA’11 Live will feature an impressive line-up of sessions with 50+ speakers – organized around 25+ tracks/streams – covering the latest and top issues in supply chain, manufacturing, sourcing, procurement, logistics and operations with a focus on Greater China.”

Top issues in supply chain? How do they know I will think the line-up is impressive? Speakers organised around tracks? Running, perhaps?

“We are now looking for media partners for this event and media packages offer a unique opportunity to reach senior worldwide supply chain and business decision-makers face to face. Our event showcases top operations perspectives, world-class management strategies and cutting-edge practices in a spontaneous and engaging format.”

What’s a media package and how can a package offer a unique opportunity? How do you showcase (if that is indeed a verb) a perspective? How can a format be engaging? Or spontaneous, for that matter? I’m not even sure what a media partner is. Journalist? Editor? Or do they want money for putting my logo on their spontaneous and engaging baseball caps? Also: How can a strategy be world-class?

I won’t torture you with more of their wordy invitation, but every sentence carried on in the same vein, paragraph after painful paragraph. After three times of reading through the email I still had no idea what it meant. I wrote to the guy, Max Henry, asking him to kindly explain what it was he had invited me to and why I should be there. Ten days have passed and I still haven’t received an answer. He probably doesn’t want me as a media partner after all.

New Service For All The Hungry People On Lantau – And The World

I must have mentioned once or twice that I cook Sichuan food which I serve on my, I have to say, beautiful roof terrace overlooking the South China Sea? It’s just that recently I’ve been →

Nipple Alert! (Guangdong Adventure Trips)

四會 (Sei Wui – Four Congregations, small but excellent town in western Guangdong province) 白酒 (Bak jau – White wine, which in Hong Kong actually means white wine, but in the mainland a lethal liquid →

SUNDAY – Go Home! 返屋企

Last night I started watching the third season of Orange Is The New Black, an American show about life in a women’s prison. The first two seasons were pretty riveting in a ‘far too many →

Don’t Leave Me!

This morning I had some people from my village coming over for a dose of Cantonese, and since it was raining dog shit (落狗屎 – lok gau si [raining heavily]) we discussed the weather, well, →

NOKIA I Praise Thee Again

(Of course the phone the geezer in the photo isn’t talking on a Nokia while… resting? but it’s definitely some kind of phone.) But Nokia: Yesterday a guy driving through Pui O gave me a →

Our Series Unusual Gifts

In our popular series Unusual Gifts we proudly present Sungflower Fream. What is this sungflower fream, you may ask? Why, it’s of course a notebook! The day my friend Jo gave me this gift, I →

SUNDAY

Last night I went to a party that turned into something of a name-dropping fest. People had met Lady Gaga, various representatives of the Hong kong government, etc. I thought: Lady Gaga has a job →

Möre About Bööks 書

In all the (sad lack of) hullaballooooo about publishing my latest book online, I completely forgot I have published two books before. For the Cantonese learner and perhaps other people interested in China, Don’t Joke →

Last HAVE! For now

I just thought I’d get in some product placement before lunchtime! To which you’d probably respond: 你有冇攪錯呀！(Lei yau mou gaau cho ah – you must be joking!) That’s right, there is no ‘have’ or ‘not →

Have! More!

In yesterday’s article I talked about how expressions containing the word ‘have’ in English hardly ever contain 有 (yau – have) in Cantonese, such as have some Mons (飲雪花 yam Suet Fa – Drink Snow →

New Book on the Block

Hallo, hallo, everybody everywhere. My new book is finally being published and you are invited to the launch. As well as beer and books for sale, there is also my new DVD ‘Going Native’ which →

Preview of Documentary

This is 54 seconds of our three week trip. More later in the documentary you can download from this site!

Camels, what’s not to like? They are haughty but kindly, patient but laconic. They understand human nature, then spit on it. In Dunhuang, an oasis town between the Gobi and Taklamakan deserts, there are camels →

This is probably my favourite spot in all of China – apart from the Lo Wu Shopping Center of course. It’s Jiayuguan Fort far into Gansu province and is said to be the end of →

Last year I went from Lanzhou to Xiahe, a Tibetan stronghold, by bus. I had read in a book about the Silk Road that this would involve an “eight hour hair-raising bus trip” and looked →

Not far from Lanzhou, transport and travel hub of the north, is the small town of Xiahe, dominated by the large and imposing Labrang Monastery. Last time I went there the main drag (the only →

Despite the charms of the Chinese train and that to travel hopefully (and painfully) is better than … not at all, it’s always good to arrive when the destination is beautiful Lanzhou. It’s the most →

Yes, although this isn’t strictly about language and certainly not Cantonese as I’m Mando-jabbering all day long, I want to put these postings from my blog www.chinadroll.com here as well. Travel broadens the mind, narrows →

.. an old podcast: A Sojourn in Shenzhen. Yes, one whole person has expressed interest in hearing it, so I must oblige. Also I happen to be going to Shenzhen again tomorrow as part of →

Yes, soon you’ll be able to download more than three hours of Canto magic from this very site!I met my computer expert friend yesterday behind the third toilet from the left, and handed over the →

The Last Time I’ll Mention “Cold” (Mad River Swimming)

So people are going in search of ice on which to seriously hurt themselves and icicles to photograph in astonishment. Yes it was 3C this morning. Not boiling, I’ll admit. But imagine going out this →

Word Order II: Pre, or rather post-positions

The woman is outside her house (or maybe somebody else’s house, but let’s just presume.) Straight forward, right? You know woman 女人 (leui yan), outside 出邊 (cheut bin) and house 屋企 （uk kei). But as usual, →