We Are Flogging, We Are Flogging ….

So I have this book, right? Don’t Joke On The Stairs. The title is based on a sign I saw in Gansu once, in the staircase of a language school.

“Avoid the exchange of jokes while using the stairs, and don’t concentrate on steps that cause trip and fall.”

That pretty much summed up the whole China thing for me. Full of excellent rules and great English, helpful yet stern, and not a little surreal.

It’s also full of tips about how to learn Cantonese and overcome the particular difficulties that white learners of Cantonese face in this strange and wonderful but occasionally frustrating town.

If you like my blog, you’ll like my book. If you hate my blog, you won’t be reading this anyway.
It’s better for everybody that you buy it directly from me, to be honest. Then you can get it signed, and delivered (by post) and… and … well, it’s just better.

Christmas is coming up and I’ve been told by many that Don’t Joke is the ideal gift! Full of information and with shiny colour photos, it is the authoritative book on surreal China today.

哎呀，落雨呀！Bucketing Down

Yesterday I went on a high-speed boat trip ruining my hair, but it was worth it. As soon as we got off the open boat, it started raining like – well, normal Hong Kong style. Nothing special. But going home I felt it safest to put my watch in my bag

If you’re learning Cantonese, 落雨 (Lok Yu, ‘Falling Rain’)is one of the best ways to strike up a conversation. Every time I go out in a downpour carrying a rather large umbrella, several locals helpfully tell me that it’s raining. 早晨！落雨吖！Jo San! Lok Yu Ah! (Morning! Falling Rain!) can often be the beginning of a deep and meaningful conversation about water.

When I first heard or saw 落雨 I looked up the word 落 in the dictionary and saw it meant fall. So imagine my mirth when I spotted the word on the front of a tram! 落車， (lok che) Fall Out of the Car, ha ha, excellent! Then I realised it means ‘descend, come down, get out of’ too. Oh well.

But when it rains various animals like cats, dogs and zebras, (or 落狗屎, lok gau si, Falling Dog Shit as it’s called in Cantonese) there’s only one thing to do! Play cards!

P.S.
If you want to know more about Hong Kong weather and other things, take a Cantonese course this summer! Now you can take lessons from all over the world, through the excellent medium of Skype

It’s Unfortunately Working

Have just come back from yet another extremely fulfilling and surreal trip to the hinterland – this time Shaoguan in the north-west of Guangdong province to which only the coincidence of October 1st, China’s national →

Ha? Double Ha?

I have to say this sign gave me a start when I first read it. What, I could no longer add money to my Octopus card at Mui Wo ferry pier? That would be quite →

Learn By Doing

Here is Peter (ah-Dak) who’s been taking Canto lessons with me for some months now. When we went on our first trip to Guangdong province together at the end of last year, he immediately went →

What A Surprise

Although it’s written in simplified characters: Cool! As! Bro! 涼！ The Cantonese language is under threat, and people all over Hong Kong and Southern China are banding together to show those Mando imperialists that not →

Fu$$ball

I never thought I would write about football here. Or anywhere. I’ve just watched England being decimated by Germany in record time and it was not a pretty sight. The commentator kept saying: “Here is →

All Aboard the Harmonious Forgiven Train

Ahh! Back from another trip to my ancestral home, Guangdong province, cradle of Cantonese language and civilisation. The government must have been working overtime the last month, or since I was there last, to drum →

Epiphany

Dear chaps. In our series “screams and muffled cries from the vault” we bring you another item from our archives. It explains why, when you speak to a HK person in Cantonese, he answers you →

Cantonese Forever!

Wah! So exciting! Here is the true story of what went down in old Guangzhou that fateful day in July.

Although it’s written in simplified characters: Cool! As! Bro! 涼！ The Cantonese language is under threat, and people all over Hong Kong and Southern China are banding together to show those Mando imperialists that not →

… when one of my victims spake up. I was just sitting around writing a blog entry the other day when: Wallop! Kristian, who’s currently in Norway working on the Norwegian Coastal Express (Hurtigruta) and →

Wei! I’ve discovered a new tea! Don’t know how it could have escaped me for so long, as often as I go to yam cha, but there you are. Maybe I’ve become too stick in →

Why this photo? Found it and liked it again, innit. Anyway, the other day one of my students suggested that I set up some kind of counting device; you know, something like the count-down to →

Last Saturday I started a new thing: Learn everything about Chinese characters in two hours. Ten people turned up, and when they staggered out of the venerable Honolulu Coffee Shop two hours and fifteen minutes →

Ahh! Back from another trip to my ancestral home, Guangdong province, cradle of Cantonese language and civilisation. The government must have been working overtime the last month, or since I was there last, to drum →

Did you know that “Good Friday” is called “Jesus experiences difficulties festival” (耶穌受難節）（ye sou sao laan jit) in Chinese? I bet you didn’t. But now you know, and by going on an Easter trip with →

Yesterday, Gweipo agonised over her own and her son’s struggle with pesky Mandarin. She invited her readers to comment on who or what’s to blame for us foreigners not being able to learn Cantonese and/or →

I just have to post this comment from one of my students, ah Laan, here. She, as well as I and everybody who’d ever attempted to take on the Canto, has fought through being answered →